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Saturday, April 23, 2016

I feel alright with it.

Dallon and I are not together. We haven't been for quite some time.

I haven't said anything here because I didn't feel like it, but I feel alright with it now. I feel ok letting internet strangers (or friends) read of my "failures," because this failure has changed me in drastic ways. How could it not?

But I am so much better for it. I want to live, again. That is a feeling I didn't think I'd have - I'd almost given up on the thought.

But I feel alright with it. I feel blessed by it. The desire to live is so much brighter than where I was and the desires I had six months ago.

Dallon is not a horrible human. He's great. We're friends, actually. I don't think I could've gone through this and ended up friends with anyone else. And that's pretty cool.

But I had to do what I needed to do, and so did he.

If this lowers your opinion of me in any way, that's okay, to each her own. But I don't care. You can say what you want, but only Dallon and I experienced what we did, and anyone else saying anything else can't be taken as fact. We know how we felt and we know why we did it and that's all that matters because we're the ones dealing with the life that comes after - the good and the bad.

I feel alright with it. I feel happy with it. I want to live. I want to love. And I feel like I am, again.

K see ya.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

It's Been a Minute.

Morgan got home from Mozambique and it's been a whirlwind ever since - the good kind of whirlwind, the type where you're swept up in happiness and actual hope instead of despair and a quick ride downhill.

We moved from Midvale back down to Provo together because an angel of a family offered us a place to live when things got sketchy at the apartment complex. This family has continued to bless us over and over, and there is literally nothing I'll ever be able to do to repay them, but I hope they know how grateful we both are.

The sketchiness at the Midvale apartment involved a gun and a fight on one occasion and someone following us on another. After buying mace and still not feeling much safer, we packed, cleaned, and turned in the keys. I drove a U-Haul for the first time and will get to again in about a month. More on that later, though.

Having Morganzo Bean home is as great as I was expecting it to be. Kid did some incredible work in Africa and has kept his head up when it comes to acclimating to America again, even though it's more difficult than I could ever imagine.

In other news, I've been meeting new people and seeing old ones.

I'm imaginative and often I'll think of scenarios some might consider dark or unpleasant, but it's real. I feel like we probably all do. Something has switched inside of me finally where when I think about dying all of a sudden (car crash, strange accident, whatever), I'm no longer simply OK with that thought. Before, I didn't feel like I had a ton to live for or like I was contributing anything. But now, I'm hopeful. If I die all of a sudden, I die, okay... but I want to live if I can. That's the difference now.

K see ya.

Saturday, March 19, 2016



I didn't see it fully until I was away from it - stepped back. Reread as I went through my posts. And I'm sorry.

My goal is always to be honest here, but man.. sorry for bringing the whole universe down with me, fellas.

I thought about deleting this blog, because so much has changed and I wasn't me for so long - it didn't feel like a good reflection of those golden states in my life I hoped to highlight. But I decided not to. There are too many good memories on here, too many lessons learned, and regardless, they happened.


My life is good now. Great, even. My life is looking up because I am finally looking up. It feels good to be looking up, finally.

Please forgive me for the last two years. Hard times will still come, and I'll continue to be honest about them, but goodness - that won't happen again. I can practically guarantee it.

K see ya.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

While You Were Away - The Light is Back.

Hi bud,

You get home in a week. One week. People keep telling me things like, "Wow! It went by so fast!" But it's felt like 9 years to me, so they can all just float away.

Being away from you for two years, with everything that has happened, has been the hardest thing. But I can't imagine how hard it was for you. I respected you more than anyone before you left. I didn't understand how I could come to respect you more but I know I have. And I know it will only grow as I hear about all of the things you've been waiting to share.

Morganzo, I am so happy you're coming home right now. The last two years I was in a pretty heavy depression and I was holding onto you as my only source of hope - he's coming home in a year, eight months, six months, three months, one month.. next week..

The countdown was always in my head. But instead of being surrounded by darkness, I've been able to find the light in me again. You're not coming home to a deeply depressed sister. You're coming home to someone that has been through some crap and is glad to be on the other side of it all. I've found hope other sources and I'm not going to throw all of my darkness on you like I feared I was going to. I've got the light back in me, and I'm ready to shine with you.

This is the last little "While You Were Away" playlist I made, and it seems to be quite upbeat, and I think that's a good reflection of what I'm feeling. Hope you like it.


This is what I listened to 983029 times on the way back from Texas.


I fell in love with Mac DeMarco and watched 92 YouTube interviews and live performances after I saw this performance. "I'M WORKING SO I CAN EAT, SO KEEP THAT ____ AWAY FROM ME"

This song.. so good. So catchy. Listen to the whole thing please.

A lil' Beirut for your brains.

And I love this one. It's got some great lyrics.

OK see you when you're listening to these in front of me, finally! Love you!

K see ya.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Happy birthday, Chad.

I did it right this year.

 I feel like Chad would've loved the conditions. I called up my friend Nick Dixon and asked to borrow a sharpie. Nick has been one of the kindest people to me during these strange times, so I wanted to share a piece of someone I love so much with him. I decided sharing who Chad really was with someone I care about is a beautiful way Chad can live on in more than the people he effected on this Earth. I asked Nick to take a few pictures for Sandi, Chad's mom, but nothing like I used to do. It was fluid, it was beautiful, and I was able to watch the balloons until they disappeared.

I think I explained who Chad was and who he was to my brother and me specifically well enough because after we watched the last pair of balloons disappear, he said, "happy birthday Chad. Thank you for helping make Bret who she is today."

And I added, "and Morgan. Thank you Chad. Happy birthday."

I miss Chad a lot. I miss Morgan a lot but I'm so glad I get to see him soon. Life is hard without the ones who get us. But you learn a lot of valuable lessons while they're away. Good and bad. You become who you are and it's ok if you're broken, it's ok to be fragile for a while. It just shows we can really have a lasting effect on someone else's soul, and that's beautiful to know. It's a way I think God lets us know in a way we feel most that we matter. The things we do and say to others matter. The effort we put in isn't for nothing. When we show the ones we love that we love them, they will remember.

And I'm grateful to remember God's love daily as I remember and see new ways He has shown me - ways that resonate with the deepest parts of me.

Sorry for the thoughts I'm just writing and writing and I don't know how long this is but I just want you to know the launch was beautiful and I wanted Chad to get the balloon from Morgan he looks for every year.

Also, I tied together skip-hop and slide-hop like I always do. The way those two move together is different than the others.

Happy birthday, Chadderbox. I love and miss you so much. I wonder often what it would be like if you were still here. And I wonder often if I make you proud.

Love you like a brother.